That for one, my boobs will never look like the woman's above. I've been braless for about five days now. Completely. I wake up in the morning, put on a shirt, and out the door I go (pants and maybe shoes of course). I've been wanting to do this for a while now. I've been working in a show, though, with a woman who's been braless since she was sixteen. Never wears one. It's how her life is. Talking to her made me decide to do it. So I did. And I realized some things about myself that kind of shocked me.
I'm not entirely comfortable with my body. This is coming from a girl who is completely naked all the time usually. In fact, my best friend came over today and as he knocked on the door I screamed, "Give me a second. I'm not wearing any clothes." His response, "What else is new?"
I've walked around countless women and gay men without any clothes on like it was nobody's business. And I'm completely comfortable with it. Enough to where it's like I'm not really even naked.
But the minute I began not wearing a bra in public, I realized my insecurities.
On the first day, I woke up, put on a shirt and went into the bathroom. Immediately, I was mortified. I guess I had never realized how incredibly small my boobs were. Since I could remember I've worn bras with padding like you wouldn't believe existed. Pushups galore. No bra I own does not contain padding. In fact, I've probably got five Victoria Secret Bombshells in several colors and designs. I never realized, though, how much this had effected my outlook on my personal appearance until looking in that mirror.
My mother blessed me with a butt. It's a pretty big size for my body type, but as I sat there looking in the mirror, I saw how much of a "pear" I was. I literally went from flat to a bottom, and I couldn't tell you how much I felt less than female. I felt less sexy. Less curvy. I felt lacking. I had for years created a physical appearance of an hourglass figure. Curves on top as well as on bottom. I had done this for so long, that I now realized I didn't really even perceive myself as what I naturally was. Only what I had created.
And I know it's stupid. I know you are probably shaking your head right now while reading this, but I walked outside my house feeling less confident. Less sexy. Less womanly. I am cursed with little boobs and I walked out in shame.
But I'm becoming more comfortable. I'm realizing that even though I thought I wasn't obsessed with society's perception of the female figure, I was indeed obsessed with it. So much that I had been making myself appear that way for years. But now I have began learning to be okay with my natural self.
What's been really fun is buying clothes. I now buy clothes specifically designed for my tiny boobs. And trust me, they make hot shit for them. Not clothes that made them look like they are bigger. Just ones that complimented what little was there.
We all have this perception of what is female. Therefore, what is sexy. Boobs are one of them. I remember this horrible sad short story I read in English class about a woman who felt less than female after her breasts were removed from breast cancer. It was heartbreaking, and I remember thinking how ridiculous it was. But now, I see how much our society pushes that. It's why Bombshells even exist. It's why when I was watching a movie today about a porn star, one of the lines a character said was, "Once we get done with this project, we'll work on your boobs."
It's all ridiculous. Women come in all shapes. All sizes. We have to learn to accept this. I'm starting to learn to accept mine.
Another thing, I wanted to talk about, though, more importantly, was the reaction I received from voicing this insecurity.
Once learning this about myself, I started talking to other women about it. And their reaction:
"Oh, stop. You are ridiculous. I'd kill to be as little as you." "You are beautiful. Stop complaining." Oh, but you are so tiny. Get over it." "If only I had your body."
Which, by all means, is sweet. Really. But it's frustrating. Because being thin, I've apparently been denied the freedom to be openly insecure. I cannot voice my own opinions about my own body. Whatsoever. To do so is ludicrous. It's ridiculous. And I should shut up and not say anything else about it because it's insulting.
Here's a little insight into the world of being thin and okay to look at:
I still have things I'm not comfortable with. I get bloated as the fuck on my time of the month, and I'd love to fucking complain about it without someone telling me to shut my mouth like I have no right. I have body parts I'm not happy about. Obviously, like I've talked about, my boobs. I also have stretch marks near my thighs. Although faint, they are there and for the longest time, I refused to wear bikinis because I was so self conscious about them. My palms sweat. Actually my whole body sweats. Like a mofo. Like I'm talking profusely. When I go on meetings, hold hands with cast members for a bow, or with a boy across the street, I immediately apologize for them. It's embarrassing for me. I tried taking medication for it but apparently medication for overactive sweat glands increases heart rates. I have an abnormally fast one, so I can't take the normal meds. So one time, the docs gave me medication that had a side effect that reduced sweating. And what happened to me? I had an allergic reaction and got sent to the emergency room. I can't wear certain color shirts. Shit sucks. Being thin and pretty have their perks, but they also have their downfalls. My phone goes off around midnight onwards with texts full of blatant, crude comments. I can't pitch LILITH to many men without them asking for something in return. My body has literally become a sex object that hinders me from establishing any true connection with those around me. The drink I'm being bought, the compliment I'm being given, the dinner I'm being taken out to are all being exchanged in hopes to get into my bed.
And I'm really really really really tired of other women telling me that I can't complain about this. That at least I'm thin and all other insecurities don't matter because of this. That at least I'm attractive enough to have these things such as booty calls and cat calls happen to me.
But the truth is, we all have body issues. We all have problems with our physicality. We have problems with what it says. What it doesn't say and so forth. And big breasted women complain when small ones do because it's hard for them too. And tall complain to short and short to tall. Ass to no ass. We are all complaining all the damn time. But instead of dismissing each other's problems, it'd be ten times better if we just listened to them. Help each other figure out what it is we truly have a problem with. Help each other accept it. Love it. Embrace it. Instead of telling one another to shut up.
Little or small, we all are still struggling to accept our vessels. It's important to remember this.
This is small boobs, sweaty palms, stretch marks, booty called, bloated, Devin signing out,
and I'm okay with that.
.... Or at least learning to be. :)
Love always,
Dev
